Mega-Merger Madness

By Tracy Sayler

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Prairie Grains is the official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat, Inc., and the Minnesota Barley Growers Association.

I received those clever merger possibilities in an internet hee-mail, with the exception of the Toys R Novartis one, which I made up myself. And you’re right, it’s probably the lamest of the bunch.

At any rate, now walking down the aisle is Cargill, Inc. and Continental Grain Company, whose consummation may affect the market of nearly three-fourths of the world’s Pez dispensers. O.K., maybe not Pez dispensers, but certainly export sales, grain storage, barge and rail service, and nearly one-third of all U.S. grain exports. That’s a lot of grain dust, and that’s why the acquisition is being reviewed by the U.S. Department of Justice.
From this Justice review, I just happened to dig up transcripts excerpted from the negotiations, between these two mighty forces who dare to ally in cosmic domination:

"Luke, join the dark side. Together, we shall rule the universe!"
"Never! I am a Jedi knight, like my father before me. "
"Fool! Then you leave me no choice but to unleash the power of the dark side!"
Oops, wrong force. O.K., here’s the actual transcripts:

"Well, then, Ernie, we’ve got the final documents prepared by our lawyers for your lawyers and once they’re signed, we’ll have our people get back with your people. The government may have a wee bit of a problem with phase two of our corporate growth plan following the acquisition—to purchase the state of Minnesota and the Dakotas— but we feel that’s resolvable. Now there’s just one more item to settle: we’ve traditionally served cornish game hens at our stockholder meetings, and you’ve had prime rib, so how would you propose we compromise that?"
"How about both?"
"Agreed!"

Where does the merger madness end? I am really, really going to write my Congressman if Carginental (you’ll note I’ve taken the liberty to rename the combined company) would merge with a business that I believe is more dominating than Microsoft, the Russian mob, or even the TV show, "60 Minutes." Yes, I’m talking about Ticketmaster.

Will someone please tell me how this monster was created? For the unfamiliar, Ticketmaster is the only venue on earth where you can purchase tickets for concerts, sporting events, monster truck races, and the like. There is no shopping around at Joe’s Corner Ticket Mart. Only Ticketmaster.

Before standing in line for hours to get tickets to see Chuck Wagon and the Wheels, make sure you have enough extra for Ticketmaster’s "per ticket convenience charge." Should you decide to order online or by phone, you will also be socked with a "per order handling charge." That’s if you get through. Those fortunate enough to crack the constant busy signal will also be propositioned by the Ticketmaster sales representative to get "special deals" on other merchandise, magazines, even an oil change for crying out loud! (I swear this happened to me). Cripes, you got my credit card number. Just gimme the tickets!

Lord help us if these rulers of exports and concerts ever come together:

"Welcome to Grainmaster, may I help you?"
"Si, Señor, it is about time. I have been holding for 40 minutes! I would like to buy 35,000 metric tons of milling wheat, FOB, for June delivery."
"Very good sir, and may we interest you also in some corn or soybeans today?"
"No, just the wheat."
"How about tickets to the Spice Girls?"
"No, just the wheat."
"Underbody barge wax and bonus Rolling Stones T-shirt?"
"NO! JUST THE WHEAT!"
"Very well then, sir, will that be GSM-102, PL-480, Visa or Mastercard?"