Rules of the Gravel Road

By Tracy Sayler

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Prairie Grains is the official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat, Inc., and the Minnesota Barley Growers Association.

In North Dakota, however, a written test is required. There’s even a "Rules of the Road" booklet to peruse before taking the test. And believe me, I studied. Nothing could be more humiliating, with the exception of buying female hygiene products at the store for my wife, then to have some state transportation employee with a bee-hive hairdo announce to everyone in the room: "Is there a Sayler here? A Tracy Lee Sayler? I’m sorry Mr. Sayler, but you failed the exam. Try back again, you putz, er, I mean, Mr. Sayler." No sir, there was no way I was going to let myself be labeled a driving dunce, a motor vehicle meat head who doesn’t know when to merge left.

Much of the manual material is a no-brainer for most of us pros of the pavement and riders of the roadway. This pearl of wisdom, for example: "The ‘wrong way’ sign tells you that you are going the wrong way on a street, freeway, or ramp." Duh.

Nevertheless, it was good to brush up on street etiquette, such as procedures for different right-of-way and turning rules, a section of reading obviously skipped over by many Fargo, N.D. drivers.

As well, it was good to review the "two-second rule," which means if you get pulled over for speeding, you have about two seconds to think of an excuse. (actually, it’s the counting rule to judge whether you’re following another vehicle too closely).

I must admit, when it came down to the actual written test, some of the questions were a bit tricky. Particularly choose-the-right number questions, such as, "you should give yourself enough time to get completely beyond the vehicles that you are passing and return to your proper lane at least A) 100, B) 200 or C) 300 feet before meeting an approaching vehicle? (The answer is B).

My studying paid off, as I passed my written exam on the first try with flying colors, and was rewarded with a new driver’s license graced by my photo that’s even more dorky-looking than my previous license. The whole experience got me thinking, however, that there are few academic rules of navigating the countryside with farm machinery.

Sure, there’s 4-H and FFA safety camps and all that, but for most of us who grew up on a farm, there really were no rules of the road, just a few rounds across the field with Dad, and a few verbal instructions to remember ("Keep it in third, shift down when you need to. Watch what you’re doing. Look back. Watch for rocks and washouts. Shut it down if you have to get out of the cab to unplug it. We’ll bring the pickup out to you at dark.") The rest of it was more or less left up to common sense.

But if they ever actually come out with a written manual for country driving— a "Rules of the Gravel Road"— here’s a few questions it might contain:

A green tractor, a red tractor, and a blue tractor meet at an intersection. Who has the right of way?

A) The red tractor
B) The green tractor
C) The blue tractor
D) This is a political question, and there’s no way I’m going there

Answer: D

When are conditions too wet for fieldwork?

A) When the big slogs of soil you leave behind dry up to form ready-made field pottery
B) When you get stuck and it takes three neighbors and the county grader to pull you out
C) Ducks rest on your implement in between swims
D) All of the above

Answer: D.

The county loan rate for wheat is $2.74 per bushel, and the posted county price is $2.66. What will the loan deficiency payment be?

A) Eight cents. But aren’t they talking about changing it?
B) Who knows, I’ve given up trying to understand how this LDP thing works
C) Not sure. Call the gals at the FSA office, they’ll know
D) Uh, this is a government program question. What in the world does it have to do with operating farm machinery?

Answer: D, maybe. However, since it’s government related, there might also be a G, M, and a W.

A salesman drives into the yard. The best way to avoid him is to:

A) Pretend you have a communicable disease
B) Hide in the tool shed
C) Have the hired man talk to him while you duck out the back fence with the cultivator

Answer: C. (That way you still have some shred of dignity left. And the corn needed to be cultivated anyway).

You are sweating profusely in the cab. It means:

A) You may be sick
B) The air conditioner broke down
C) The market is limit up, and you sold yesterday
D) Any of the above

Answer: Technically D, but more likely C.

You are most likely to break down:

A) In the field that’s furthest from your farm
B) When the parts store is closed
C) When rain is coming and you need to finish
D) All of the above

Answer: D. And during harvest, all of the above simultaneously.