1999 to be weird ride toward new millennium

By Tracy Sayler

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Prairie Grains is the official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat, Inc., and the Minnesota Barley Growers Association.

Get used to that buzz phrase, because you’re going to be hearing a whole lot of "new millennium this" and "new millennium that" before the calendar turns to the year 2000, or "Y2K," which will be the second most annoying buzz word this year. You will be so sick of hearing about the looming Y2K computer problem that you will eagerly prefer as respite the latest news on political posturing for the 2000 presidential election. OK, maybe the Y2K thing won’t get that bad.

But I hope you like funky music, because you’re going to hear a lot from the Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince, who sings "1999" (released in 1982), the unofficial pop song of the new millennium.

For sure, 1999 will be a year for kookiness, with "the end is near" fanatics out in full force. In fact, 1999 looks to be the zenith in a decade that has seen an increase in weirdness. According to the Fortean Times of London, worldwide weirdness was up a full 4 % in the last year, the biggest jump since 1993 (don’t ask me how or why they keep track of this). Anyway, increases were seen in most categories including visits by aliens, instances of spontaneous human combustion, and sightings of water monsters. Also up were hoaxes and panics, ineptitude and stupidity, and cults and conspiracies.

That news bit is from the 1999 Old Farmer’s Almanac, which does a good job of contributing to weirdness in its own right. Among the journalistic gems in this year’s issue: why Elvis carried his own utensils, a brief history on men’s underwear, and how to predict the weather using a pig’s spleen.

For what it’s worth, the Almanac’s forecast for the Northern Great Plains is winter temps 5 to 6 degrees colder than normal, with especially frigid temps the latter part of January and early February. Precipitation will be a bit below normal from November through March, but snowfall will be near or above normal. The OFA predicts colder-than-normal weather will continue through April and May, with precipitation during that time well below normal.

Then, look for a dramatic warmup in June. Rainfall will continue below normal, with heavy local thunderstorms. July will start with record heat and end with another heat wave, but cool spells in between will bring monthly temps to a bit below normal. Rainfall for July will be a bit above normal. August will be much rainier than normal, "with flooding possible." The last two weeks of August will be hot. September and October will be warmer and drier than normal. October will begin with record heat.

So there you have it, your weather forecast through next fall. But hold on, that’s nothing compared to what’s in store for us as reported recently by the official supermarket tabloid of the new millennium, the "Weekly World News," which you might recall broke the news in a headline story several years ago that 12 U.S. Senators are space aliens. That didn’t create too much public stir, because most of us suspected that space aliens ran Congress anyway.

At any rate, WWN reports that an ancient diary written by the famed seer Nostradamus has been discovered in a French monastery. Among Nostradamus’ predictions for 1999:

• Next summer the moon will spin out of orbit and plummet past the earth, stopping just short of a collision, but bathing the planet in a wondrous golden light.

• A series of earthquakes will literally change the face of the world beginning in August. By the time the quakes stop, mountains and valleys will have vanished, making the Earth’s surface as smooth as glass.

• A roving death star will rocket out of deep space and head straight for earth, threatening to obliterate the planet. The incident will cause world panic and many religious conversions before the star veers off its collision course at the last minute.

• A "get-it-while-you-can" attitude will prevail as people around the world use all the credit at their disposal as well as their life savings to buy luxuries of all kinds before the world ends.

I don’t know about you, but if all that transpires, I smell some pretty good grain and livestock marketing opportunities.

FARM BROADCASTER: "…and markets were limit up for the fifth straight day today, as traders bathing in a wondrous golden light took note of the Earth’s new glass-like surface, and snatched up contracts with a "get-it-while-you-can" buying frenzy, in anticipation of the roving death star."

Of course, before cornering the futures market, it’s good to get another objective opinion in the event that Ol’ Nosty’s prophesies in the World Weekly News might be a little off. That’s why I’m going down to the butcher shop today to get me a pig’s spleen.