Tired of the farmer bachelor life? The love doctor is in.

By Tracy Sayler

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Prairie Grains is the official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat, Inc., and the Minnesota Barley Growers Association.

That’s why scanning through the engagement announcements in the local paper, you just gotta cheer for the farmer betrothed to the Cindy Crawford lookalike, attorney-at-law. Yes! Chalk a win up for the country boys! But not all single fellas on the farm are that fortunate.

What’s that you say? The school teachers in town are all taken? No prospects at church? Only social action in town is bar bingo at the VFW? And you’re scared to your britches that you’ll end up like brothers Milt and Orville Duttenheffer, the two 70-something farmers who live together down the road, whose only romantic encounter during their entire bachelorhood was a double-date with the Norbinicker sisters at the county fair back in ’49? Fear not, my friend void-o-valentines: the Love Doctor is in.

It’s time to consider affection afar, like my brother-in-law’s brother. Ike, as we’ll call him, is a single 40-something engineer with a farm in the upper Midwest. He is planning a trip to Russia later this year to meet ladies arranged through A Foreign Affair (AFA) - self-described as an "international introduction dating and marriage service for singles wishing to meet Russian, Asian and Latin women for correspondence, love and marriage."

He ordered picture catalogs from the AFA website: www.loveme.com. There, you can also peruse profiles online, from 50 countries. But a majority are from Russia. I’m not sure why; maybe because of the fact that their ruble has lost its noodle and the entire Russian economy is worth about as much as the spare change clinking around in the ashtray of your pickup truck.

Anyway, the stereotype we have of the 300-pound babushka-clad Lenin Lassie is a bit off; one glance from Ike’s catalog or the online choices will illustrate that. You’ve got 24-year-old Anna, a lawyer; and 28-year-old Natalia, an economist; both from St. Petersburg, who speak good English, don’t smoke, and don’t drink. Then there’s Svetlana, 32, from the Ukraine, a design engineer who wants to meet an "intelligent, handsome, kind, pleasant, financially independent man without bad habits." Sounds like a lot of good single American farmers I know, although to meet that last criterion, some of them might have to give up their cans of Copenhagen.

The AFA web site includes a Q&A on its service (such as why it differs from a company that hawks mail order brides) as well as letter writing tips ("Write to as many women as possible. By writing many women you greatly increase your chances of success!") advice (during your long-distance courtship, don’t mail her cash) and testimonials from AFA-organized tours ("When was the last time a first date offered to make you a home-cooked meal or to sew that little tear in your shirt? Makes you appreciate the basics.")

Should you find true love overseas, be sure to check into the "EZ-Do-It Fiancee’ Visa Package," complete with the guide, "Bringing Your Foreign Spouse Home," 70-plus, immigration attorney-penned pages of do’s, don’ts, and how to’s.

OK, so you don’t like borscht and prefer to stick closer to home. Then how about a "Jail Babe?" Yes, through Jail Babes, a pen-pal and singles introduction service, (www.jailbabes.com) there are "hundreds of beautiful ladies sitting in prison, just waiting for someone to love and care about them. These ladies have nothing but time on their hands and can’t wait to hear from you!"

Search for your Slammer Sally by age group and race. Profile information not only includes likes and dislikes, physical attributes, education, occupation, and Department of Corrections number, but also asks each inmate, "willing to relocate?" Which, unless you thoroughly enjoy incarceration, seems to be a no-brainer. Oh, each profile also includes another key detail- release date.

For example, there’s Pamela, 32, who asks, "Roses are red. Violets are blue. I am looking for a man. Could it be you?" Her release date is September, 1999. Heck, that’s just in time for the row crop harvest.

Robin, 26, likes anything outdoors — perfect farm wife! She’ll be released in March, 2000, right before spring planting. You’ll have about a month to get settled in and teach her the fine art of turning corners during fieldwork. Then there’s Lisa, 31, who lists among her interests, "rolling around in the meadows." You single livestock guys take note — she’d get along great with a round baler.

Lawyers of the National Organization of Women who leaf through farm magazines looking for chauvinistic innuendo are asked to pause for a moment to reflect on what the definition of "is" is, and then submit notarized complaints, $3 shipping and handling, and the UPC label from a bottle of Midol to: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, Washington, DC, 20500.