Copyright Prairie Grains Magazine
February 2001

Prairie Ramblings

Square Dancers, Regis Philbin, and Other Facts of the “Dubya” Transition

By Tracy Sayler

With the elections FINALLY a one deal, attention these early days of the “Dubya” Administration is focused on a slew of government appointees with really long titles, including those within the U.S. Department of Agriculture, such as Assistant Deputy UnderSecretary for the Policy Management of Artichokes, Rutabagas, and Other Weird Vegetables.

The USDA, which can be found on the Internet at www.usda.gov, should not be confused with the USDA that can be found on the Internet at www.usda.org, which is the United Square Dancers of America.

You wouldn’t think it, but USDA the organization (with about 300,000 polished dancers) is three times the size of USDA the federal department (with about 100,000 policy enhancers). While the vision of USDA (the prominent ag lawmakers) is “A healthy and productive nation in harmony with the land,” the vision of USDA (the promenade call shakers) is to “promote and perpetuate the total square dance movement which includes square, round, contra, clogging, line and heritage dancing.”

At any rate, the nation’s rural sector is still analyzing the appointment of Ann Veneman as USDA Secretary. Actually, the Californian wasn’t the first choice. Rumor has it that senior officials at USDA (those with the federal farm low-down, not the group with the fastly formed hoedown) have grown tired of other departments such as Defense hogging all the limelight during cabinet meetings and news conferences. Thus, they urged the new administration behind-the-scenes to consider a department honcho with more star power. Here is the exclusive list of candidates (along with their pro’s and con’s) that were considered but ultimately cast aside for the USDA’s top spot:

Jesse Ventura
Upside: Well-known celebrity with political experience.
Downside: Pile drivers and headlocks to those who dispute his policies might have driven up department liability insurance premiums.

Boxing promoter Don King
Upside: Would use sneaky, wily ways to trick Europeans into better WTO trade agreement.
Downside: Amount of money squandered in departmental accounting boo-boos would likely get even larger.

Ronald McDonald
Upside: Worldwide recognition good for promoting U.S. ag products. Downside: FBI background check revealed association with questionable characters (i.e. the Hamburglar).

Regis Philbin
Upside: Snappy dresser.
Downside: Co-host dependent; could have spent too much time on trivial matters.

Willie Nelson
Upside: Demonstrated strong commitment to ag through Farm Aid. Downside: Might have become too preoccupied with hemp R&D.

Ted Turner
Upside: Has experience as a landowner (in fact, the media mogul owns about 1.7 million acres in five states)
Downside: Might have attempted sale of USDA to AOL-Time Warner.

Tinky Winky (The purple Teletubby)
Upside: Would have prompted younger generation interest in ag.
Downside: Unintelligible to those beyond the age of three.

Martha Stewart
Upside: Highly organized and resourceful.
Downside: Ag experience limited to color coordination of mums and begonias.

And what will become of Dan Glickman, current caretaker of our nation’s ag department? Sources say he may either become a regular on TV’s “Hollywood Squares” or open “Dan’s Beltway Bait Shop,” to capitalize on all the worms and leeches crawling around Capitol Hill.

As the keys are passed on at the White House, a final word about Bill Clinton.

Forget the tired image of the lame duck president leaving the White House for the last time with a final salute or “V” for victory sign a la’ Nixon, then boarding Air Force One and flying into the sunset. Uh-uh. William Jefferson Clinton can do much better than that.

Here’s how I think he should have went out, Clinton style: With TV cameras rolling in the Oval Office, the president—slouched in his leather high back swivel chair with legs crossed on desk, cracks a cold long-neck Budweiser and flicks the bottle cap at a portrait of Newt Gingrich, knocking it over. Then, in his trademark soft, scratchy Southern drawl, he breaks into song:

“And nowww, the end is nearrr; And so I face, the final curr-tain. Mah friends, I’ll say it clear, I’ll state mah case, of which I’m cerr-tain. I’ve lived, a life that’s full, I’ve traveled each, and ev’ry highway; But more, much more than this, I did it maahh way.”

Then, he and ex-First Dog Buddy jump into a waiting red convertible and drive into retirement, where he’ll write his memoirs and hang out with Hef in the west wing of the Playboy Mansion.

By the way, the entire lyrics of that classic Frank Sinatra song—particularly the last few lines— eerily (and humorously) sum up the Clinton presidency. Check it out on the Internet, www.glacombe.com/sinatra.html.

(The views in this column are those of the author, and not of Prairie Grains or the associations that publish it. The author encourages suggestions and input from readers, which may be emailed to tsayler@prairieagcomm.com)