Prairie Ramblings

Memo to Dubya: Will Pitch Ag Cuts, Only $90,833

By Tracy Sayler
Prairie Grains Editor

Dear Dubya: How are you? How’s Laura? How’s the battle with trying to keep twins Barbara and Jenna out of the West Wing liquor cabinet? Those crazy kids!

At any rate, I’m hoping you get this memo, because I’m feeling a bit left out. First, it goes public that syndicated columnist Armstrong Williams received $241,000 from the Department of Education to promote the No Child Left Behind program. Next, we find out that syndicated columnist Maggie Gallagher received a $21,500 contract from the Department of Health and Human Services, whilst writing in favor of the administration’s marriage/family initiative. Later, it turns up that Mike McManus, another conservative columnist, was paid $10,000 to promote that same department’s marriage initiative.

Then there’s Jeff Gannon, who suddenly showed up at White House press briefings representing Talon News, a (now defunct) conservative online news outlet. Seems like he was planted there to lob softball questions (i.e., referring to democrats: “How are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?”).

The story here gets even better: turns out later that Jeff Gannon was an alias – his real name is James D. Guckert, whose past includes a purported gay escort service and purveyor of online gomer bull web sites like hotmilitarystud.com. From “hotmilitarystud.com” to credentialed White House press briefings? You gotta be kiddin’ me! Sometimes, truth is truly more strange (and hilarious) than fiction.

But Dubya, what about me? C’mon, share the love! (um, maybe not the best choice of words, given that we just discussed gomer bulls in the previous paragraph). OK, so just show me the money!

After all, I write a column. I have a conservative bent (well, mostly anyway).  I voted for you – twice.  I live in a “red” state.  I have not one but two sluggers from your former major league team, the Texas Rangers, in my fantasy baseball lineup. Sometimes, instead of hash browns, I’ll order Texas toast. Surely, all this should account for something.  So why haven’t I been approached by any feds in black trench coats, offering me briefcases full of money in exchange for positive press? 

If you’re handing out “stipends” to have syndicated scribes rah-rah your policies in other areas, then why not agriculture? After all, your proposed spending cuts to the federal ag budget aren’t going over very well in farm country, kinda like a smelly you-know-what in church.  You have Ag Secretary Mike Johanns out there cheerleading for your ag cuts, but some media help wouldn’t hurt.  Dubya – I’m your man! Following is an outline of a draft commentary for you to review:

“Dear farmers and ranchers across America. We as a nation have a pretty hefty bill after going in and bombing the hell out of Iraq and building it back up again, and those arrogant, bath-skipping Frenchmen aren’t willing to help pay for it.  The economy isn’t doing so well either. And we’ll need more money to privatize Social Security.  Bottom line: lotsa red ink! So as patriotic Americans, we all have to pitch in and do our part. 

The President’s budget proposal makes cuts to agriculture. Yes, we realize that the 2002 Farm Bill has worked well, and that you’d like the government to honor its contract with you.  Yes, we realize that cuts, on top of lower commodity prices and higher energy costs, will sting.  And yes, we realize it’s stupid to unilaterally slap away our own bargaining chips before we conclude multi-lateral ag trade negotiations within the World Trade Organization, in which other countries (probably even those snooty, stinky French) will demand that our federal ag program be whittled away even more.

Policymaking is hard work. But American farmers are the best in the world.  And opening up markets, with freer trade, will help sell more American -made farm commodities around the world. And if you stop using bin-run seed and skimping on fertilizer, you can become more efficient and increase your productivity. So you see? There’s a bright future on the horizon for American farmers, with freer, open markets and better productivity.  Did I mention that American farmers are the best in the world?

We all need to join together and support the President’s ag budget plan. What would you rather be, a good patriotic American who supports our President, or a low-down commie traitor who hates mom, baseball, and apple pie? My friends across the fruited plain, I say to you, we shall stand tall and united as Americans, even as we bend over and take these cuts in the rump! 

Because nothing’s over until WE say it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Well it ain’t over now. Cause when the going gets tough...the tough gets going. Who’s with me? Let’s goooo!”

A literary masterpiece, don’t you think, Mr. President? I threw in some of your favorite cliches about hard work and free trade, and that last bit from Bluto’s speech in “Animal House” to appeal to the younger readers (farmers under 60).

Dubya, the way I figure it, your administration people paid the other syndicated columnists (those who we know of, anyway) a total of $272,500 , so we’ll split the average, and this column will only cost $90,833.  I’ll look for the check, or have your people get in contact with my people, and we’ll do the deal by electronic wire transfer. Forget what The Beatles crooned – money CAN buy me love!