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Prairie Ramblings Elections 2004: Q & A With Candidates for Prez By Tracy Sayler With the elections around the corner, I feel a calling – na Q: What’s your position on China? Bush: If I’m re-elected president, we might break out them fancy plates for vittles during those big receptions with the for’ners, but most of the time, any old plate will do, as long as it’s strong enough to hold up a heapin’ helping of Texas slaw and barbecue. Serve it all up with a cold long neck PBR, and them’s good eatin’! Kerry: There, you see? My opponent’s response indicates once again his muddled misunderstanding of foreign policy, and secondly, that he is abhorrently oblivious to the fact that one would serve a nice Merlot and filet mignon with fine China, not (shudder) beer and bratwurst. Nader: I am particularly concerned about China’s negative effect on our environment. I also think that conflict with Taiwan would be resolved if the breakaway country assumed a different name and identity. I suggest it be renamed “The Naderlands.” Q: The Naderlands? Um, right. By the way, Mr. Humility, your tie is in your chalupa. Let’s move on. What’s your position on GMOs? Bush: I think the American people want choice with their health care plans. If re-elected president, I’ll give it to’em, heck yes! Kerry: That’s GMOs, not HMOs, you idiot! Genetically-modified organisms, not health maintenance organizations! Nader: I am particularly concerned about the negative effect on our environment. Q: What’s your views on farm policy? Bush: My friends at Farm Bureau, er, I mean, leaders of our nation’s ag sector, have impressed upon me the need for improvements in our current farm policy, but that ultimately, our success lies with international trade and freer, more open markets, and I am confident we can compete, since American farmers are the best agricultural producers in the world. Kerry: My friends at Farmers Union, er, I mean, leaders of our nation’s ag sector, stress that we must protect our food and fiber system from unfair trade policies. If I’m elected president, I will fight for a better safety net for our nation’s family farmers. Q: Wow, so early in the election season, and you guys have your vague cliché responses to farm policy questions pretty much down pat. How about you Ralphie? Don’t tell me… Nader: I am particularly concerned about the negative effect on our environment. Q: OK, Ralph, you seem to be preoccupied with issues relating to the environment. So let’s pose this question á la Barbara Walters: If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Nader: Is it not more appropriate to ask if I, as a metaphorical tree, would exist at all, given today’s culture of corporate greed? I am reminded of these words by Ogden Nash: “I think that I shall never see, a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I’ll never see a tree at all.” So, it comes back to my key message: I am particularly concerned about their negative effect on our environment. By ‘their,’ I mean greedy money-grubbing corporations, of course, not trees. Trees are good. There are many trees whom I consider close personal friends of mine. My favorite is an elm tree in my backyard that I named Larry. Q: Well, uh, give Larry my regards. What about you, George? Bush: This ain’t no time for tree-huggin’ poems. The good Lord gave us trees for a reason, and that’s to cut’em down to create timber and jobs and to get the economy movin’. Q: Mr. Kerry, let’s finish with you. With your wooden demeanor, you can probably relate most to being tree-like. Kerry: Very funny. Did you realize that as a decorated military specialist who served my country honorably in Vietnam, I am trained to snap your cranium like a walnut? Q: Sorry to rile you sir. Can I still get that coupon for a free bottle of Heinz ketchup? Kerry: Not a chance, smart guy. Go dunk your fries in a glob of Del Monte. On that saucy note, thanks for joining me for this interview, gentlemen, and let me be the first to say that I look forward to November 2 – when all the election ads are over. That’s it for now; I’m Tracy L Sayler, and I approve this message. |
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y, a sense of
patriotic duty – to help educate the American populace about the views of our presidential candidates on issues of importance in farm country. Thus, I met recently with
Republican George W. Bush, Democrat John Kerry, and Ralph Nader, of the, um, whatever party he’s affiliated with, at a local Taco Bell for this exclusive hard-hitting Q&A
that is bound to be the envy of ABC’s George Stephanolopo-pus…Stepanopolis…Snuffleup-agus? Y’know, the guy with the long Greek name who at one time was Clinton’s official something or other.