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Prairie Ramblings Crop Q & A with Dr. Fred Feeble-mind, Addlebrained Agronomist By Tracy Sayler Robins…tulips…jacked up fuel prices…it all must mean the arrival of Q: I’m looking for an alternative crop to consider adding to my crop rotation. Any suggestions? – Planting Planner in the Plains A: Anything that makes you money, eh. By the way, did you know that we can grow hemp legally up here in Canada, and you Americans can’t? Ha ha. Q: I’m thinking about combining straight this year. What do you think? – Confused in Omaha A: Good for you, I say. Long winters, prison, or the combination of both can really cloud a guy’s perception—or so I’m told. But despite all this coming out of the closet stuff that we read about these days, I think you’ll like the change. As the saying goes: “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Q: My herbicide label says I shouldn’t apply the product on my crop until it reaches a vegetative state. What exactly does that mean? – Wondering in Waterloo A: It means you should let the plants grow first, goose brain. However, your lame question reminds me of something funny I read the other day. I pulled a TV dinner out of the freezer, and the directions on the back of the box said to “cook from a frozen state.” Does that mean the only place in America you can make a TV dinner is in North Dakota? Frozen state. Get it? Ahem. You Americans don’t have a sense of humor. Q: What’s the best way to control hairy nightshade? —Overgrown in Illinois A: My wife Edna gets that all the time. More of a cosmetic problem, I would suggest treating it with a single pass of Nair (or similar high pH depilatory, such as sodium thioglycolate or calcium thioglyco-late), applied with a minimum 48-hour re-entry interval. Q: What management practices do you recommend to reduce drifting? – Dodge City Drift Dodger A: Depends what kind of drifting we’re talking about, if you get my drift. For snow drifts, try one of them orange plastic fences, or just learn to live with the snow like we do up here. If you’re drifting in thought or drifting off to sleep, I’d suggest something with caffeine (active ingredient: caffeine). If you’re talking herbicide drift, then don’t spray when it’s windy, idiot. If you’re talking about drifters—y’know, the Boxcar Willie, whiskey drinkin’ type—then I’d suggest staying away from areas where they are most likely to congregate, like bus stations and Jimmy Buffett concerts. Q: When I’m combining corn, I sometimes see an excessive drop in cylinder or rotor speed. Do you think it’s the drive belts or the engine governor that needs adjustment? – Farmin’ in Fargo A: What do I look like to you, Mr. Goodwrench? Call your equipment dealer, or try WD-40, the answer to most things that need adjusting. Makes a great wedding gift too. Q: I’ve decided to try to grow soybeans. About when can I expect to see the terminal bud stage? – Bean Beginner A: Terminal Bud stage? Darned if I know. I drink Labatts, eh, not American beer. As for myself, my terminal stage is somewhere between a six and a twelve pack, or when the Oilers drop a game to one of your American hockey teams like Tampa Bay or Phoenix. Those hosers don’t even know what real ice is! We invented hockey, you know. Did I mention that we beat you in the Olympics? Long live Gretzky! Q: How can I save money on machinery costs this growing season? – Thinkin’ Thrifty A: That’s easy. Just sneak out and farm at night, using your neighbor’s equipment. Q: I’ve been experiencing a lot of root rot lately. Any remedies you could suggest? – Malcontent in Mankato A: I get the same thing, especially after Beer and Brat Night down at the Moose Lodge. Sacre bleu! Sometimes I’m on the throne until two in the morning! I suggest a shot of the pink goodness that is Pepto-Bismol (active ingredient Bismuth subsalicicylate) applied at the 2 oz. rate. Q: Is it a good idea to fumigate? – Fumin’ in the Field A: Good Lord yes, and you’ll know why if you read my answer to the previous question. I would suggest Lysol (a.i. alkyl, dimethyl benzyl ammonium saccharinate, ethanol) in multiple applications. Choose any scent: I’m partial to “Summer Breeze” myself. |
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warm, sunny days, and yet another growing season. Here
to answer all your questions relating to crop production is Dr. Fred Feeblemind, agronomist at Addlebrain University, based in one of those obscure Canadian provinces, we’re not sure which.