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Prairie Ramblings Crop Q & A With Dr. Fred Feeblemind, Addlebrained Agronomist By Tracy Sayler
Q: Some shady characters in a pink Caddy with unlicensed plates moved onto the vacant farm next to ours down the road. The only equipment they have on the place is about 40 anhydrous tanks. Do you think it's a meth lab? jhendrix@ purplehaze.com A: Add up the numbers, and I think you can do the meth. Meth. Math. Get it? Ahem. You Americans don't have a sense of humor. At any rate, it's a growing problem. Here at Addlebrain U., researchers are looking to biotech for answers, inserting the active ingredient of Exlax into anhydrous ammonia. Maybe then, this meth lab druggie stuff will poop out, pun intended. Q: How do I go about looking for tan spots in wheat? feekes@septoria.net A: I would think a nice sunny, sandy beach would be much preferable for tanning than a wheat field. But, hey, who am I to judge where you spend your vacations. If you want the best tan spots in wheat, I'd suggest calling a travel agent, or a grain elevator. Q: There's pretty good contracts for malting barley this year. I'd like to grow it, but I'm not sure I can meet the contract specs. Any suggestions? beerme@justone.com A: Instead of selling to that fussbudget Auggie Busch, try someone else, like a Canadian brewer. After a few of our strong Canadian beers compared to your weak American lagers, no one will really care much about what kind of barley is used anyway. Actually, truth be told, the relative alcohol strengths of Canadian and American beers are about equal, it's just the measuring systems that differ. In the U.S., alcohol content is measured by weight (abw), while in Canada it is measured by volume (abv), according to www.beer.com. For example, Coors Extra Gold is 3.9% abw and Canada's Labatt Blue is 5% abv. Both beers, however, contain about the same amount of alcohol. That said, our hooch is still better than yours. Q: I just got my soil test analysis back, and it got me thinking: If a quiz is described as quizzical, then how should we describe a test? dirtyjohnny@dirtfarm.com A: You've been spending too much time in the tractor cab, Johnny. Q: Why do I cry when I cut up an onion? pms@aol.com A: Perhaps you've become emotionally attached to your onion. But if you're like most people, it's because enzymes are released when you slice through it. According to www.howstuffworks.com, enzymes in an onion turn into a gas that reaches your eyes and reacts with the water that keeps your eyes moist. Your brain reacts by telling your tear ducts to produce more water, to dilute the irritating acid so your eyes are protected. Some say it helps to chill an onion before cutting it, or run tap water over the onion as you slice it. Me, I wear pesticide goggles. Q: My wife Lucille recently picked a fine time to leave me, with four hungry children and a crop in the field (winter wheat). Sure, we've had some bad times, and lived through some sad times, but this time, the hurtin' won't heal. I'm talking about the wheat; we recently had a cold spell, and I'm afraid there might be some winter kill. How can I know for sure? P.S. What should I do about my wife, that bar-hopping tramp? krogers@ woedespairand agonyonme.net A: According to the University of Nebraska, winter wheat plants killed by low temperatures will normally fail to green-up in the spring (duh) and will have a bleached tan color. The crown tissue of plants suffering from winter injury will be soft, brown and mushy and secondary roots will be rotted off, much like Michael Jackson's face. If you suspect winter injury before spring green-up, you can dig up wheat plants in the field and bring them indoors. If the crown tissue is still alive, new growth should be visible within three days on plants clipped at ½ to ¾" above the crown. As far as your run-around wife, I'd suggest calling that Dr. Phil guy. Q. I don't want to think about growing anything but Roundup Ready crops. Do you think I'm addicted to glyphosate? MontySanto@roundupready.com A: Addicted like frat boys to keg beer, baby. Like many farmers, you have developed glyphomania. But I think you are well on your way to the first step in addressing the problem, and that is to acknowledge that you're a glyphomaniac. Seek out or start a GA (Glyphomaniacs Anonymous) support group in your area. Switch to different herbicide chemistries, and if you're going to tip that jug of glypho, for God's sake, follow the recommended labeled rate and use in moderation. If all else fails, maybe you want to call that Dr. Phil guy too. He's described as a "life strategist." Let's see what kind of program Dr. Phil the life strategist comes up with that's not dependent upon glyphosate for weed control. |
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Another growing season must be around the corner, as
Dr. Fred Feeblemind returns to answer your crop production questions. A highly extinguished professor of agronomy, Dr. Feeblemind heads the endowed chair of radish and rutabaga research at Addlebrain
University, based in one of those obscure Canadian provinces, we're not sure which.