Prairie Ramblings

Weekly World News Folds! But Not Before These Ag Headlines!

Say it ain’t so! Weekly World News – which bills itself as “The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper” – is no more? Sad to say that after 28 outrageous fiction passed as nonfiction years, the August 27 issue was the last printed. WWN will continue online, but standing in line at the grocery store will never be the same again.  Who can forget paging through the black and white tabloid for updates on Bigfoot, Bat Boy, space aliens in the U.S. Senate, and Lester the Typing Horse?

Here’s hoping the publication you’re reading now buys up the publishing rights to Weekly World News, so I can stop writing about ho-hum topics like the farm bill, rootworms and white mold, and start breaking headlines like this:

Bat Boy Elected National FFA President! “Along with striving for greater acceptance of diversity, including those of us who are, well, half bat, I also look forward to making the FFA motto my own: ‘learning to do, doing to learn, earning to live, and living nocturnally to eat insects,’” said Bat Boy, of Dark Cave, West Virginia.

Sales Barn Auctioneer: It’s Elvis! Regulars at the Flanksteak Livestock Auction in S.D. were surprised to learn the identity of the auctioneer underneath the black cowboy hat for nearly 30 years: Elvis Presley.  “I was wondering why he always wore sequined jumpsuits, and sang ‘Viva Las Vegas’ in between cattle lots,” said one longtime buyer.

Farmer uses Magic 8 Ball for Grain Marketing! Mattel’s Magic 8-Ball might be just a toy for fortune telling, but Hank Hedgin swears by it for making grain sales.  “Several months ago I wondered if grain prices were going up, so I rolled it.  ‘Signs point to yes,’ it said.  So I rolled it again to see if I should make sales.  ‘It is decidedly so,’ it said.  No commission fees, and it sure beats my banker’s Ouija board.”

Big Foot Named Northern Seed Rep! Mr. Foot will handle seed sales of corn and soybeans for his sales territory, which is primarily the dense forest region somewhere in North America.

High Land Bids by Angel of Death Upsets Farmers! Farmers are upset by recent purchases of area cropland by the Angel of Death for over $2,000 an acre.  “He waltzes right into the bank and gets all the money he wants, just because he’s the Angel of Death,” said one angry farmer. “And who’s going to dare try to outbid him and tick him off? I mean, he’s the Angel of Death.”

Farmer Sells Talking Dog for $10! “Along with herding cattle and chasing varmints away, I can cultivate corn with the best of them,” said Blackie, a black lab, to astonished reporters. When asked why he was selling the dog, and for such a cheap price, the dog’s owner replied: “Because he’s a liar. He can’t cultivate corn without swerving all over the place.”

Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Trade Steeds For Extended Cab Pickup! “The timing was right,” said the Horseman of Pestilence, whose real name is Larry.  “More power, more distance, more cargo capacity, and with 0% financing over four years, well, that just sealed it.”

Wrench Pilfering Ghost Haunts Farm! “I’ve lost two pliers, a lock wrench and three sockets in the last week. What else could it be?” wonders Roy Whitherbean, of Jockitch, Ark.

Scientists Discover Canada thistle On Moon! “Frankly, I’m not surprised,” said one leading weed scientist. “I would suggest astronauts try a fall application of glyphosate or Curtail using the highest labeled rate.”

Farmer: “My Toilet Possessed By Satan!” Fred D. Lusional of Ergotsville believes his hellish experience was prophesied in Revelation 9:2: “And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.” Authorities question the claim, however, especially upon learning that Lusional participated the previous evening in Rum Punch and Bean Burrito Night at the local VFW.

Giant Sea Monster Plagues Pot Hole! Locals in this farming community in the heart of the Sauerkraut Belt of N.D. say the giant sea monster, which they affectionately call “Nelly,” has a penchant for cheese buttons, summer sausage, and unsuspecting waterfowl. Shrugs Gottlieb Dieseldorf, who owns the land with the pothole where Nelly lives: “we just farm around it.”

“Transmission: Heal Thyself!” Clutches, carburetors, hydraulics, torn belts, bad AM radio reception – farmers in Saw Fly County Kansas are amazed by a mysterious faith healer who fixes farm equipment with a simple laying on of hands.  “I don’t know how he does it, but sure beats $75 an hour at the implement dealer,” says one farmer with a sick sickle bar.

“Space Alien Best Hired Man I’ve Ever Had!” Reliable, hard working, and good with equipment: that’s how Roy Walley describes his farm hand, who crash landed a UFO in his corn field two years ago.  The space alien, who Roy calls Al, learns things quickly. Wages? Roy says that’s the best part.  “The only thing he wants are Reese’s Pieces.”

Crop Insurance Officials Doubt Piranha Claim In Corn! “First of all, I believe piranha are meat eaters, so I don’t think they even like corn,” says crop adjuster Floyd Seersee. “They’re not amphibious like frogs, so I doubt they crawl on land.  Even if they did, there’d have to be a whole lot of them to result in a crop loss. The other thing is, I don’t think piranha can be found as far north as Iowa.  So lots of red flags with this claim.”

Wheat Price $8, Farmer Holds Out For More! The price of wheat has climbed to an unprecedented $8 per bushel, but farmer Ted Storelove isn’t thinking about selling any just yet. “I think it will go higher,” he says.  “Once it hits $9, maybe we’ll sell some of the Waldron we have left in the bin from the ‘80s.”