Prairie Ramblings

Brain-Feeding Alien Parasites, and Other Predictions for 2006

By Tracy Sayler
Prairie Grains Editor
tsayler@prairieagcomm.com

Hollywood recently came out with a new movie, “Brokeback Mountain,” about, um, two gay cowboys in Wyoming. Gay cowboys in Wyoming? Who the heck is this movie for, other than to pry hardware from idiot awards shows like the Oscars, and groupies of the Village People? John Wayne’s gotta be rolling in his grave.  I’m tellin’ ya, this is just another sign of the coming apocalypse.

Actually, there’s lots of signs of the coming apocalypse, especially this time of year – just read the tabloid rags at the supermarket checkout aisles, each with their Magic 8-Ball prophecies for the new year.  Like a recent issue of the Sun, headlined “100 Secret Predictions That Will Come True Next Year.” An international prophecy think tank, the Sun explained, convened a panel of theologians, linguists, historians and computer programmers to investigate scriptural warnings and “hidden messages” of current events in the Bible.

Several cases of cold beer later (OK, I added that), their analysis revealed “an incredible number of coded messages mathematically linked to 2006,” including a striking number of apocalyptic ag-related prophesies, which makes sense, since farming and natural disasters seem to go hand-in-hand like peanut butter and jelly.  Here are my favorite predictions, followed by smart-alecky comments from yours truly.

Astronomers spot a killer asteroid approaching earth from the Hyades, a cluster of stars in the constellation Taurus (which prompts government officials to contact Bruce Willis and his rag tag team of deep core oil drillers to nuke it – cue the weepy Aerosmith music).

An Australian chicken farmer devises a plan to defeat global warming using a chemical mist (probably developed by Monsanto. As all card-carrying members of Greenpeace already know, they are the corporate equivalent to Darth Vader. “The dark side of the Force are they.” How true, Jedi Master Yoda, how true).

Panic breaks out nationwide when a noted televangelist is struck by lightning in mid-sermon (better watch your back, Pat Robertson).

A NASA satellite returns to earth carrying an alien parasite that feeds on brain tissue (better stock up on ginkgo biloba. And suddenly, Asian bird flu doesn’t sound so bad).

Geologists discover precious minerals on a West Virginia farm, leading to a rush of prospectors (and a decline in the value of cubic zirconia, as well as the wife’s gen-u-ine cubic zirconium wedding ring. But don’t tell her that!)

North America’s wheat supply is decimated by a deadly fungus, leading to weeks of famine (well, there have been problems with scab, but about the closest it comes to being deadly is making pigs ralph. And, duh, any student of ag econ will tell you that not only is wheat a commodity importable from other global sources, but it is also substitutable with other cereal grains. Next year, better add an economist to that prophesy think tank).

Contaminated meat causes an outbreak of fever visions, which include the first glimpse of the antichrist (“mad cow, shmad cow,” all you free traders said. Told ya we should have kept the Canadian border closed to all their old toothless bovine cutters and canners).

A baseball league is secretly supplying funds to a secret army who are plotting an American downfall (no mention of baseball in my Bible; must be in the King James version. In any case, I’ve never trusted that dweeb Bud Selig).

A mild winter in Nebraska is followed by a strange mutation in the wheat crops, causing fields to multiply normal yields by five times (Monsanto again).

A miraculous plant that grows in the Ozarks overcomes famine in Africa (probably biotech, developed by you-know-who).

A colossal earthquake disrupts an awards ceremony in California, killing many actors (finally, some good news!).

Scientists in Greenland attempt to thaw a frozen party of Viking warriors, bringing one briefly back to life (nevertheless, Minnesota still doesn’t make the playoffs).

A news agency discovers a credit company holding experiments in mind control (what’s in YOUR wallet?).

A disease in cattle causes meat prices to triple (Actually, this one is true.  But rest easy, the increase in price isn’t from disease, just monopolistic concentration of the nation’s meatpacking industry).

Increased UV light from global warming creates a lethal mutation in grasshoppers, transforming them to locusts with scorpion-like venom (good thing that Australian chicken farmer is coming out with that anti-global-warming chemical mist.  In the meantime, scouting of mutant grasshoppers, like regular grasshoppers, should begin early in the growing season with particular attention to field edges, and it’s advisable to wear coveralls, because of that whole scorpion-like venom thing. Treat the mutant grasshoppers with insecticide (use a good adjuvant) when numbers reach economic thresholds and remember – always follow label directions).