Prairie Ramblings

Ag PhD: Live from Las Vegas

Take a family with a catchy last name perfect for hawking seed and other farm inputs, couple it with multi-media marketing under an equally catchy name that focuses on crop production tips, and you get Hefty Seed and Ag PhD.

The Heftys are based in South Dakota, and their Ag PhD programs seem to be everywhere.  Ag PhD workshops. Ag PhD radio.  Ag PhD crop scouting reports during the growing season by email. And Ag PhD TV, which the Heftys now beam by satellite anywhere in the nation through the Dish Network and DirecTV (links to all online at www.agphd.com)

Brothers Brian and Darren Hefty co-host the TV program, which in my area is broadcast late on Sunday evenings.  The show’s PhD reference seems appropriate, since its airing near bedtime with dry bantering of dry subject matter (“What uncommon insect can cause leaf pinholes in early growth stages of corn, Brian?  Well, that would be the stink bug, Darren…”) is reminiscent of sleep-inducing college lectures.

What the show needs is a little more flash, a little more excitement.  Like bikini-clad dancers, a house band, and in-studio color commentary by Tom Arnold.  Or, maybe they should go on location to exotic places, like Las Vegas…

You can see we’ve doffed our Dockers and Polo shirts for gold chains and polyester jump suits.  Why? Cause we’re in Vegas, baby!

That’s right Darren. Founded as a city in 1905, Las Vegas means “The Meadows” in Spanish.

Holy Shamoley! With all this roulette razzle dazzle, I’d say this is a long ways away from any meadow, Brian.

Ha ha. Right again, Darren.  And we should remind our viewers that a meadow is no more than a worthless patch of thistles and brome grass until it’s planted to high quality alfalfa seed, available through your Hefty Seed dealer.

That’s for sure. Here’s another Sin City fact, Brian. You might be surprised that in 1910, Nevada had a strict anti-gambling law. It even forbid flipping a coin for the price of a drink!  However, gamblers quickly set up underground games, and illegal but accepted gambling flourished until 1931, when the Nevada Legislature approved a legalized gambling bill authored by none other than a northern Nevada rancher!

The heck you say, Darren.

No, it’s true, Brian.  The rancher had never visited Las Vegas and had no interest in gambling, but saw legalized gambling as a means to raise taxes for public schools. Today, more than 43% of the state’s general fund is fed by gambling tax revenue, and more than 34% of the state’s general fund is pumped into public education.

Ag PhD is all about public education, Darren!  The city’s gambling industry began to boom in the 1940s, and in 1955, the Riviera became the first “high rise” hotel on the Vegas strip.  Speaking of strip, in 1957, The Dunes – which disappeared from the city’s skyline in a fiery staged implosion in 1993 – was the first Vegas venue to feature topless showgirls.

Hubba hubba, Brian!  Today, Las Vegas is a melting pot of resort destinations, Elvis impersonators, and top-notch entertainers, like Siegfried and Roy, that is, before Roy got mauled to a pulp by that tiger. Or was it Siegfried? I can’t tell them apart.

Ironically, people say the same thing about us.  In any case, getting chomped on by a tiger would be a big yowee owee, Darren. Maybe he should have been working with a puma.  The herbicide with the same name, by the way, offers excellent post-emerge control of wild oats and other grassy weeds in wheat, and is available through your Hefty dealer.

Righto, Brian. Of course, gambling, or as the industry calls it, “gaming,” is the bread and butter here. There’s keno, thought to be the oldest game of chance, going back to B.C. China.  Then there’s craps. Hope they don’t play dirty!

Ha ha. Good one Darren. My favorite is the ol’ ‘one-armed bandit.’ High-roller slot players today can find machines that accept $500 tokens. But that’s too rich for our blood!

You said it, Brian.  Let’s see how Lady Luck treats us on this nickel slot machine… oh well.  Guess that’s five cents we can kiss goodbye!

Better luck next time, Darren. Golly, not only are the nickels running short, but so is our time, so let’s get to our “Weed of the Week.”  Did you know that the State Flower of Nevada is sagebrush? 

Well, Brian, this woody shrub – a member of the wormwood plant family – might make a nice back drop in a John Wayne movie, but it has no place in today’s cropping system. You can smoke it out easier than dropping a pocket gopher with a shotgun by applying the maximum labeled rate of glyphosate, available through your Hefty dealer.

That’s all the time we have this week. Join us next time when we report on location from Bourbon Street in New Orleans, live at Mardi Gras. Don’t forget your beads, Darren!

Gosh, that should be really swell, Brian. Hubba hubba.