USDA’s 2002 Ag Census:

Questions That Didn’t Make the Cut

By Tracy Sayler
Prairie Grains Editor
tsayler@prairieagcomm.com

Since your ag census is probably still sitting in your “go through” pile of mail, buried deep beneath miscellaneous bills, farm magazines, and credit card offers (Yeah, I’ll take your line of credit—fools!), allow me to give you a quick run-down on what it’s all about.

USDA’s National Agricultural Statistics Service conducts the ag census every five years.  The 2002 ag survey needs to be completed by Feb. 3.   Responses are required by law, and those who don’t respond will be forced at pencil point to attend the following seminars scheduled for the first day of planting in 2003:

•  “Buffer Strips and You”

•  “Complete Life Cycle of the Nematode”

•  “Stinkweed—and How Other Plants Got Their Names” (Actually, this one would be kind of interesting).

There is in fact a fine of “not more than $100” for not responding to the survey, and a fine of “not more than $500” for responding fraudulently, although I seriously doubt Ann Venemen is going to send out goons clad in black trench coats to collect coin from Ole Olefson way up in Edge O The Earth County because he didn’t mail in his survey. Then again, they do spot check…

Maybe we should view the census as a barometer of how important agriculture still is in this country, but I am not aware of any other business sector or federal payment recipients who are required by the government to fill out a survey. While I believe the survey is worthwhile, I don’t agree with mandatory participation. Make it voluntary and give some sort of incentive for completing it, like a canned ham or something. Especially for the 25% or so of the “lucky” farmers out there who will receive the long form version of the survey, which is twenty-some pages.

Actually, the census could have been even longer.  Compiled in collaboration with Crookston, Minn. farmer Tim Dufault, here are ten questions that didn’t make the cut.

1. The grain marketing plan of this operation consists of (check all that may apply):
a)   Talking to the boys at the coffee shop.
b)   Purchasing higher levels of crop insurance.
c)   Contracting a portion of my production before planting.
d)   Futures and options.
e)   A wing and a prayer.
f)   “What marketing plan? I still have grain in the bin from ’95!”

2. When is this operation most likely to sell grain?
a)   At tax time.
b)   When the payment on my Visa card is due.
c)   When I need the bin space.
d)   When I see the neighbors hauling grain.

3. Livestock on this operation include (check all that may apply):
a)   A moo moo here and a moo moo there.
b)   The neighbor’s damned bull that keeps getting in with my cows.
c)   Three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
d)   A mangy flea bitten mongrel of a dog and a one-eyed, stump tail tom cat that only comes near if I’m carrying red meat.

4. What factors most influence the variety of seed you purchase?
a)   Yield.
b)   Days to maturity.
c)   Pest tolerance.
d)   Color and style of jacket to be received.

5. What is the most popular game of chance played down at the co-op?
a)   Pinochle, whist or smear.
b)   Dice.
c)   Minneapolis wheat and Chicago soybean futures.

6. The long-term asset transfer plan of this operation consists of the following:
a)   A legal will.
b)   A transferable contract for deed.
c)   A charitable trust.
d)   Whatever lady luck has in store at the local Indian casino.

7. Of the farmland included in this operation in 2002, please report the acres owned by:
a)   Yourself and spouse_____
b)   Your bank_____             
c)   Ted Turner_____            
d)   Environmental groups_____
e)   Out-of-state hunters_____    

8. Were any fruits and/or nuts produced on this operation in 2002?
a)   Yes*
b)   No
* Your cousin Lamar and Uncle Larry don’t count.

9. What is the most effective means employed by this operation to maintain rented land and/or discourage land rent from going up? (Check all that apply)
a)   Plow snow out of landlord’s driveway.
b)   Stop by every once in awhile with homemade cookies, venison, or beer.
c)   PowerPoint presentation analyzing comparable land and rental rates.
d)   Begging.
e)   Death threats.

10.  How do you usually respond to telemarketers, so we aren’t caught off guard next summer when we call you for a crop production survey?
a) “I’m sorry, he died”
b) “I’m sorry, he moved”
c) “No habla Engles”
d) “I’m not wearing pants right now.  What are you wearing?”