Prairie Ramblings

Mission Impossible into the EWG Hideout, Geraldo Style

By Tracy Sayler
tsayler@prairieagcomm.com

The antics of Geraldo Rivera, the gun-slingin,’ foxhole-hoppin’ entertainment reporter (er, I mean, news correspondent) for Fox News in Afghanistan, inspired me to undertake my own harrowing mission in search of elusive facts: to go undercover and infiltrate the Environmental Working Group.

Y’ know, these are the flora and fauna fanatics that ticked off pretty much every farmer in America that participates in the farm program, by posting individual farm subsidies on their web site at www.ewg.org. I’m in the camp that believes this is misleading and doesn’t tell the whole story about the farm program, just like summing up Medicare or Medicaid by saying those federal programs subsidize drug use wouldn’t be accurate. Where’s the ACLU when you need’em?

At any rate, in my foray into the EWG, I would seek hard answers to key questions, such as:

• Where does the EWG get its funding?

• Does this group have any other purpose, other than to whine about farm subsidies?

• Why is it that when every nickel-and-dime reporter wants an enviro quote, they turn to this group and its leader, Kenny Cook? (Except when the story has to do with biotech.  Then when they need the obligatory anti-biotech slant, they turn to Greenpeace.)

First thing, I needed to track down their location.  Leafing through beatnik magazines at the Perky Poets Hemp N’ Coffee Corner downtown, I establish the location of the EWG hideout: A large underground cave just outside Washington, D.C. I grab my gear and bid my family goodbye, not knowing the fate that awaits me.

Dressed in camouflage, guided by my trusty Cracker Jack compass and a tape recording of the “Mission Impossible” theme, I reach my destination. The cave entrance is guarded by a pair of eunuchs clad in red flannel shirts.  (How do I know they are eunuchs, you ask? My good Watson, I knew intuitively by the matching red purses and feather boas.)  I search for a way to distract them.  “Hey fellas, you won’t believe it!  There’s a big sale on Barbra Streisand albums at the music store down the road!” The eunuchs squeal in delight, grab their purses and run.  I smile to myself at my cleverness, and slip inside the EWG hideout.

I make my way to the EWG central command post where as luck would have it, group ringleader Cook and his lieutenants are strategizing in their boardroom over bottled spring water and granola bars.

“Gentlemen, we have succeeded in our ploy. The media and politicians have picked up on our Internet posting of all these big farmers getting fat on government payments. It has increased our visibility and enhanced our objective to get more money from our supporters. This will increase our power and ability to lobby for our environmental causes,” said Cook, with an evil laugh. “MOOWHOHAHAHA!”

I burst into the room. “Not so fast, Cook!  I’m onto to your little power scheme!”

“Who are you?” he says quizzically, adjusting his black eye patch that is a part of the obligatory attire of all B-movie villains.

“I write for farm magazines in the upper Midwest.”

“Whew, that’s a relief.  For a minute there, I thought you were somebody important, like Geraldo,” said Cook. “But I’m afraid we still can’t have you intruding on our plans.  Guards, seize him!”

I reach for my secret weapon. “Get back!” I shout, brandishing the blade of a moldboard plow.  “This is just one piece of an entire 12-bottom plow back at the family farm, which has hundreds of acres of unbroken virgin prairie. I swear to God that with one click of my cell phone, they’ll get the signal to start plowing, nesting bird habitat, buffer strips and all, Sodbuster be damned!” 

The EWG goons quiver away, cowering like Dracula at the sight of a metal cross. Some begin to hyperventilate.  I make my way back toward the cave entrance and escape.

So there you have it, my adventure into the heart of the environmental jihad.  Incidentally, to answer some of those earlier questions, the group does more than whine about farm policy. According to the group’s web site, the EWG also “conducts groundbreaking, computer-assisted research on a variety of environmental issues. Recent EWG research topics have included pesticides in foods, air, and water; the cutback in energy conservation programs by California utilities; and toxic substances in beauty products.”

Also, EWG is funded almost exclusively by grants from foundations, but the group also points out that “A small but critical percentage of our funding comes from individual donors.” Indeed, their web site includes a “Donate Now” icon, which I’m sure you’ll click on as soon as you’re done reading this.  After all, what else are you going to do with those millions in farm program payments burning a hole in your pocket?