Prairie Ramblings

Your Astrological Hortiscope for 2007

by Tracy Sayler, Prairie Grains Editor
tsayler@prairieagcomm.com

With the growing season fast approaching, let’s go over the checklist to make sure everything’s in place: Corn seed to plant fence row to fence row? Check. Exorbitantly priced fertilizer? Check. Planting equipment? Check.  Fuel, pliers, and individually wrapped Little Debbie snack cakes for the lunch box? Check, check and check. Personal preplant astrological reading? No? You gotta be kidding. Geez, where’s your priorities?

Recall that even Nancy Reagan used astrology to forecast periods of favorable planetary alignments for her husband. (Come to think of it, maybe Laura Bush should check into it too.  At this point, anything’s worth a try…)

Heck, you can even go to college to become a professional certified astrologer, over the Internet at www.astrocollege.com. The Online College of Astrology says that it is “dedicated to the best of traditional astrological education, with a goal of raising the standard for astrological practice around the world.” 

The Online College of Astrology even has an Ethical Credo: I pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service, and my – wait, a minute, sorry, that’s the 4-H Pledge. OK, the Online College of Astrology Ethical Credo: I dedicate myself to the highest astrological standards in my relationships with clients, the astrological community, and the community at large.

I have no fancy schmancy degree in astrology, nevertheless I’m going to reach deep into my inner celestial being for some zodiacal soothsaying.  Here it is, your astrological hortiscope for 2007.

Aries March 21 - April 19: Many slender, tanned, hard-bodied females are about to enter your life.  Unfortunately, they’re wireworms. Think twice about continuous corn in those fields next year.

Taurus April 20 - May 20: Remember, there’s nothing you can’t change if you just put your mind to it.  Except that flat tire on the main frame of your chisel plow. Those rusted-on lug nuts aren’t going anywhere.

Gemini May 21 - June 21: The stars strongly sense spray skips in your weed control program.  In fact, the stars can see it from the road.  Unless that’s herbicide resistant wild oats, wild mustard, and kochia, then you’ve got bigger problems.

Cancer June 22 - July 22: Keep in mind that good things come to those who wait.  Except if the price goes down and you haven’t sold anything.  Or the crop gets too tall to spray. Or gets eaten up by aphids.  Or lodges before you harvest it. Come to think of it, maybe not everything good comes to those who wait.

Leo July 23 - August 22:  Don’t get discouraged! Whatever you lack in farm management skills, production knowledge, and perseverance, you more than make up for in lack of farm management skills, production knowledge, and perseverance.

Virgo August 23 - September 22: Making a decision is easy: when the difference is big, you know what to choose, and when the difference is small , it does not really matter what you chose.  No, the stars don’t understand that either, but it seemed to make sense when Dr. Phil said it.

Libra September 23 - October 23: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, foresee extended periods of wetness, suggesting that you either need to stock up on a good foliar fungicide or a better antiperspirant deodorant.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21: Much laughter will enter into your farming operation – actually, at your farming operation, when the parts guy finds it hysterical that someone still farms with the antiquated machinery for which you’re requesting parts.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21: You continue to find it difficult to distinguish El Nino from La Nina, which makes giving instructions awkward, since they’re your hired men. Oh, by the way, it looks like a good time to take that fishing trip will be mid July, when the stars foresee a surprise visit to your farm by immigration officials.  Green cards, amigos?

Capricorn December 22 - January 19: Quite honorably, you have come to believe over the years that the drive and determination to farm lives within you. However, the stars are quite certain that it’s just a tapeworm.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18: Holy crap. Let’s just say the stars hope you have really good hail insurance.

Pisces February 19 - March 20: The stars realize you farmed it for a long time. However, you and the stars both realize it was also on the sandy side, with its share of potholes. So in the grand scheme of things, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all getting outbid on that piece of land now rented by Aquarius.