Prairie Ramblings

My Hip Hop Campaign for Ag Commish

By Tracy Sayler
Prairie Grains Editor
tsayler@prairieagcomm.com

In North Dakota, agricultural commissioner is an elected state government position. I can still recall my experiences in running for this office at the age of 17.

To explain, there’s a program called Boy’s State to educate high school juniors about the American local, county, and state government process. The program was organized by the American Legion in 1935, quite interestingly, to counter the fascist inspired “Young Pioneer Camps.”  Boys State was first held in Illinois, and is now held in states across the nation. There’s also a Girls State.

So back in 1984, I was Hebron High School’s lone representative to N.D. Boys State, with one objective: to become elected state ag commissioner (OK, two objectives, the other to get away from summer farm work for a week).

As I recall, we were divided into mock political parties and in the mock caucusing and nominating process, the mock candidacy for ag commissioner I so coveted was traded away to another mock caucus group in my mock political party in exchange for that group’s support of a mock candidate running for higher office in my mock caucus group – so as 11th graders, we really were learning the fine art of political sausage-making.

Even so, all those hopes and dreams of becoming state ag commish were dashed.  I ended up becoming a city alderman, sulking through the process of learning about city government.

Mind you, city government is an essential, honorable calling, and just as challenging (some would say even more challenging) as state government.  Nevertheless, at 17, here at Boys State, I didn’t want to be an alderman.  I should be wheeling and dealing as mock ag commissioner, selling mock seed potatoes to Honduras, hob knobbing with Willie Nelson to file mock class action lawsuits against family farm foreclosures, and assisting the mock farm masses in learning how to ‘PIK and Roll,’ a concept fuzzy to me then that remains fuzzy to me now, with the exception of the fact that I know it’s a fail-proof punch line – say “PIK and Roll” in the company of farmers farming in the ‘80s, and they’ll break into laughter every time.

However, it’s an election year, and ag commish is up for vote in North Dakota.  Redemption time – yes, on behalf of the citizenry of the Peace Garden State and for all that is right and decent in the world, I formally announce my candidacy in the race for North Dakota Agriculture Commissioner.

First thing is to find a political affiliation, so I’ll go with the $11.71 Wheat Party. A fella by the name of Harley McLain actually ran for N.D. ag commish under the $11.71 Wheat Party banner back in 1988, and I’ve always been amused by it – not $11, not $12, no, $11.71. How he arrived at that number, I’m not quite sure, it’s likely a complicated formula such as: Current Wheat Price x Inflation Rate x Parity Price + 3 Jimi Hendrix albums x 22 bong hits = $11.71. 

So I’ve got a political affiliation, now I need PAC money, and lots of it. Get those pens out and start writing checks with long numbers in them. I also need a campaign strategy, to which I’ll turn to my campaign consultant, Jesse Jackson. Just like Jesse’s Rainbow Coalition, I will strive to appeal to people of all farm machinery colors - red, green, yellow, white, blue, orange, and silver seeders.  Just like Jesse, I will seemingly show up anywhere and everywhere. Field plot tour? 4-H club meeting? I’ll be there.  Auction sale, combine clinic, quonset kegger, rocky mountain oyster fry, and any place where there’s a live TV camera or where growers are being oppressed by tech fees – I’ll be there.

I’ll also need a catchy campaign stump speech. Forget the stuffy “four score and seven years ago, seasons of change, global marketplace blah blah blah.”  I need to reach the youth and urban vote, not just Farmers Union and Farm Bureau members. So kick up the amps and flicka the lights, we gonna jack the vote with hip hop rhyme:

November come, ya votin’ ag commish Vote for T Sy, man, ya just can’t miss No interns (like Monica) will I cavort, And I won’t sell our shipping ports We’ll have a label sez American made And no more deficit with China trade Problems with weeds like pigeongrass? I’ll drive it out, I’ll kick its, um, tail. Droughty fields, I feel yo pain Vote for me, I’ll bring the rain But not too much rain, don’t want disease That makes fungi grow, and makes you sneeze Three dolla wheat, what da heck be dat? -Want eleven dolla wheat, I’m your cat. Growin’ corn these days, at high N prices? Vote for Sayler, man, I’ll end the crisis. I’m for soybeans too, Roundup-Ready Organic markets, I’ll keep’em steady The sugar program, yo safe with me And a safety net, fo the honey bee I’ll sell the beef, I’ll bring the pork I’ll put all you grow on the consumer fork All this truth, it ain’t no lie Watch your step! There’s a cow pie So take it in, just for kicks Vote for me in 2006.