Prairie Ramblings

Somewhere Between Iraq and a Hard Place: Farm Program Signup at Camel Spit County

ByTracy Sayler
Prairie Grains Editor
tsayler@prairieagcomm.com

As the signup deadline looms, the director of the Fhärm Sêrvice Aghency (FSA) in Camel Spit County somewhere in the Middle East helps a farmer finalize crop program options established by the El Ministry of Agriculture, in the new farm decree o’er the land…

Rasheed! Good day my brother, death to America.

 Yes, Labeeb, death to America.  Hot enough for you?

It is so hot, my herd of dairy goats is giving evaporated milk!  Ha ha. But seriously, if we receive no moisture soon, I fear my crops will be swallowed up by the earth and taken over by great patches of thistles. Curse this desert farming! Oh, to only farm like the American infidels, with their big four-wheel drive tractors, yield monitors, air drills, and free seed caps. And those Roundup Ready crops! It makes their farming so easy! Sigh. May Allah destroy them with hail stones as large as fattened jackals. Death to America!

Yes, death to America.

But at least our oil is plentiful. The American farmers must pay many coins to run their big tractors and grow their Roundup Ready crops.  I laugh at their fuel bills. Ha ha!

Yes, ha ha.  We must praise Allah that our oil is as plentiful as stolen shoes in Winona Ryder’s closet.  It would be even better if we actually had motorized equipment to use the oil, instead of farming with ox and ass.

Ox and ass? I thought you only had an ox.  Did you find a new mule at the auction barn?

Actually, I bought it along with some land from Ahmed Mohamed down the road. He got out of farming, and I think now he’s selling insurance for Kurdish Brotherhood. Ahmed kept pretty good care of his ass, putting less than 1,000 hours on its hooves.  It is still young and fast like a deer, and you know what they say about that, nothing runs like a deer!

You have been blessed, my brother. Now, we should get down to business.  Have you reviewed and decided on updating your crop acreage bases and yields? Which option do you choose?

These options are so very confusing. Why did our rulers have to make these farm program rules so difficult?

You must not speak critically, or face stoning by the county committee. 

I do not mean to speak ill of our rulers, it is just that these base and yield decisions are so complicated, you would think they were written by the American infidels’ government.

I share your frustration, my brother, but you must still choose an option. If you cannot decide, maybe you just want to take the default base election.

No, I think it might be better to update base acres to my 1998-01 planting history. But what about the new land I bought from Ahmed? A camel peed on his production records and they were lost.

Ah yes, a familiar story.  You’re the third one in here this morning with that problem. In that case, you can use an average yield, not to exceed the county average yield, based on the records from three similar farms.

OK, I think we have this paperwork settled then. By the way, what do you hear about the situation in Iraq?  I rent some land over there. Will there be a disaster payment if my cropland becomes a bombing crater?

If there is disaster assistance, it appears that bombing losses of greater than 35% will receive a payment equal to 50% of the price election times the lost bushels. If you do not have crop insurance, payment would be 45% of the price election.  You would need to elect which war you receive assistance; losses from the Persian Gulf War in 1991 or war in 2003, but not both.

I see. And how would the bombing affect my production history?

If there is a production loss, Ag Ministry officials may decide to drop this year from your production history, or allow the obliterated ashes to be entered into CRP.

Very good. I suppose we’ll be seeing you down at the town square jihad demonstration this weekend.  I am looking forward to burning an effigy of the Great Satan, George W Bush.

Yes, I understand that elite Hollywood star Barbara Streisand will be joining the protest. I hope she sings “Send in the Clowns.” It’s my favorite Babs number.

I saw on Terror Network Television’s “Internment Tonight” that George Clooney, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Martin Sheen, and Alec Baldwin will be there too.  So, my brother, even better than crooning “Send in the Clowns,” she’s bringing them!