Prairie Ramblings

By Tracy Sayler
tsayler@prairieagcomm.com

Before Enron Corp. folded like a French judge at a figure skating meet, you might be surprised to learn that the company had plans to get into the grain marketing business.  Being the crack investigative journalist that I am, I tracked down the following information about the new venture that Enron execs had planned to distribute at farm meetings across the nation.  That is, before the company collapsed into a heap of worthless stock options.

It’s difficult to define Enron in a sentence, but the closest we come is this: we make commodity markets so that we can deliver physical commodities to our customers at a predictable price. It’s difficult, too, to talk about Enron without using the word “innovative.” Most of the things we do have never been done before. We believe in the economic benefits of open, competitive wholesale markets, and we play a leading role in creating them…Every day we strive to make markets in other industries that need a more efficient way to deliver commodities and manage risk, such as metals, forest products, bandwidth capacity and steel… No wonder Fortune surveys have named Enron the most innovative company in America for six years in a row.*

Now, we’re getting into grain marketing!
We have formed a new division, Enron Grain, to assist crop producers with their grain marketing needs. We have converted our Las Vegas subsidiary (previously Enron Bigg Betz Emporium) to our new headquarters for Enron Grain, where our bookies, er, grain market advisors, are waiting to serve you.

Here’s a sneak peak at some of our insider market analysis for 2002, put together by our team of expert grain market analysts: 

Enron Grain Market Analysis for 2002: We believe that China, or maybe Russia, or one of those other really big countries over there, might be buying lots and lots of grain soon.  They’ve got a whole bunch of people, you know.  We foresee world grain demand and supplies either increasing or decreasing this year, which will definitely affect the grain markets one way or another.  The weather can really affect markets too, like when it rains too much, or not enough. Then plants die, which makes us kind of sad… Anyway, they were saying on The Weather Channel the other day that this El Nino thing could come back, which could affect grain prices.  That’s why you should use one of Enron’s revolutionary risk management tools!

Revolutionary, indeed. Here’s an overview: 

Maximum Price Contract—Others in the grain trade offer what’s called a Minimum Price Contract.  Well, who wants that? You’re in this business to make money, aren’t you?  So are we!  We at Enron Grain will work with you to achieve a maximum price with this contract.

The Bull—Bears are used to signify down markets. Bulls are used to signify up markets. That’s why we call this strategy “The Bull,” to help achieve the $6 wheat, the $4 corn, and $10 soybeans that you deserve. The Bull is much like our Maximum Price Contract, but it sounds cooler, so we charge a higher commission.  Aren’t you worth it?

The Double Secret Probation Futures Contract—We’re still trying to figure this one out. But when we do, you’ll want to bet the farm on it!

The Everything Option—Call options, put options; admit it, you still get them confused. Heck, so do we.  That’s why we’ve combined the best parts of a call and a put into one option that gets the job done either way!

The Optimizer—This fast, easy system offers light, electronic stimulation that makes muscles contract. Choose from 12 levels of intensity to target those love handles!  Just 2 minutes equals 6,000 sit-ups!  Lose 3 inches off your midsection in less than a month, or your money back!  (IDIOTS! THIS ISN’T THE AD COPY FOR THE OPTIMIZER, IT’S FOR THE ABDOMINIZER! MAKE SURE YOU GET THIS CHANGED BEFORE IT’S PRINTED!—CEO KEN LAY).

Triple Dog Dare Hedge—Aggressive marketer, are you? Then you’ll love the Triple Dog Dare Hedge.  Once we unleash this baby, all those other pit traders at the Minneapolis Board of Trade (SIC), the Chicago Grain Exchange (SIC), and wherever else grain futures are traded, will be running for cover!

But don’t take our word for it.  Here’s what others have to say about the new Enron Grain:

“For many years I have relied on Enron for campaign contributions, so you can rely on them. Two thumbs up for Enron Grain!”—Dick Cheney, U.S. Vice President.

“Only natural ingredients including real sour cream and onions go into these chips. So go ahead, crunch away!” – Frito Lay, CEO Ken Lay’s adopted younger brother.

“Hey dude! This is like, a really good deal and stuff, so I would recommend it or whatever.”—Bud, Former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling’s 16-year-old nephew.

All of our grain marketing methods are adopted from the same tools we use that has made Enron a success in energy and other industrial sectors.  So let Enron Grain handle your grain marketing needs. Hesitations? Don’t worry. Our accountants are the best in the business.  It’s not like we’re going to go belly up or anything! 

* All of this stuff was conjured up by me, except for this paragraph (second from the top), which is actual information from Enron still posted at this writing on the bankrupt company’s web site.