Prairie Ramblings

Swiss Cheese, Cow Collars and Pig Perfume

By Tracy Sayler

Astounding advancements are being made every day in agriculture. Now this might prompt you to say to yourself, “Oh yeah, four-eyed smarty boy? Tell me what’s so advanced about these market prices, huh?” But I’m not going to get into that, because it would spoil my otherwise bright and cheery intro.

Thus, as I was pointing out, astounding advancements are being made every day in agriculture. Why just recently, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced new standards for holes in Swiss cheese. 

Yeah, I didn’t know there was a federal rule for holes in Swiss cheese either.  But it’s true: Under the old standards, Grade A Swiss had to be eleven-sixteenths to thirteen-sixteenths of an inch in diameter. The new standard reduces the minimum size to three-eighths of an inch. The new and improved smaller holes will help Swiss cheese from getting caught in high-speed slicing machines, according to press reports on the change. The new rule took effect just weeks before St. Paddy’s Day Rueben sandwiches and green beer, helping to avert a national crisis of epic proportions.

But the cutting-edge technology doesn’t stop there. Last fall, the USDA announced as well that one of its researchers has invented a computerized cow collar, guided by a Global Positioning System receiver tuned to satellite signals. Similar to those used to train dogs, the collar can be used to help drive cattle.  Using a remote control, the operator can cue electronic signals to get the bovines to move left or right. Since animals tend to move away from startling sounds, if you want the animal to move left, you’d cue the noise signal to the right side.  If the bullheaded bossy doesn’t respond, you can also use the remote to deliver small shocks, but don’t tell PETA that.

The invention also has promise in containing cattle automatically within a “cyber fence.” For example, say your collar-wearing cows eye the neighbor’s cornfield nearby, form a line and start heading for the buffet. But when they get to the fence line or a certain boundary, the electronic noise (or shocks) go off.

Gosh, what’s next, pigs that don’t smell? Well they’re getting close.

There’s a new product on the market called Barrier (Note to Agriliance, the manufacturer: Wire fat check for product mention to email address below) that helps stop odor in hog production facilities. It reduces hydrogen sulfide gas levels by 75% and ammonia levels by up to 40% (that’s the combined chemistry you smell when you drive by a hog farm). However, this product works so well that four out of five dentists recommend it to their patients who chew gum.

Seriously though, according to the company’s press kit on the product (which came with a little pink pig air freshener), “extensive testing in different hog facilities with varying ventilation systems and diverse environmental conditions has shown that the product consistently provides significant odor reduction.” In short, it’ll help your pig pens from gettin’ whiffy.

Best of all, it’s crop-based, made from soybean byproducts. Available in 2.5-gallon jugs, the product was introduced in Iowa and Minnesota last fall, with an expanded market territory expected this year, according to the product news release. “Stop holding your breath. See your dealer today,” says the product literature. Ha ha. Those clever PR agency ad writers.

Speaking of ads, I’m thinking about pouring the smell-stopping syrup around the perimeter of my wife’s magazines that sometimes land near the dinner table.  Then when I’m munching on my Rueben with the new and improved Swiss cheese, I’ll be able to taste it better too, without choking on all those inserted perfume ads.  I would argue that all that print ad perfumery can permeate as profusely as the piggies.

The views in this column are those of the author, and not of Prairie Grains, the associations that publish it, or recently pardoned billionaire tax cheat and racketeer Marc Rich (way to go Bill).  The author encourages suggestions and input on this column from readers, which may be emailed to tsayler@prairieagcomm.com