September 1997
Prairie Ramblings
by Tracy Sayler
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Prairie Grains is the
official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain
Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat,
Inc., and the
Minnesota Barley
Growers Association.
There are certain axioms in life that I believe to be self-evident: Cigarette smoke always drifts to the non-smoker. Women generally don't look good in cowboy hats (you're right. That's incredibly judgmental. So in all fairness, I should point out that generally, they also buy too many shoes). Toilet paper should be hung so the roll flows over, not under. People who pierce their tongues and eyebrows are idiots. And school shouldn't start until after Labor Day.
I mean, if it's too hot for study and contemplation that the whole month of August must be taken as a recess by Congress - which by the way has made plans to balance the federal budget for the first time since Newt Gingrich was knee-high to a filibuster and getting wedgies in gym class - then how can poor Johnny be expected to sit at his desk during the sweat-inducing dog days of summer and solve story problems, which continue to baffle me to this day?
Nevertheless, the bells have tolled, and you have little time to prepare for the vision-impaired bus driver who will side-swipe your mail box at least three times and slide into your ditch twice this school season. Of course, not all bus drivers are maniacs on wheels. Some are merely deviants. A female co-worker tells of her school bus driver who would train his rear-view mirror on the legs of teen girls who sat in front of the bus. He's now a senior policy advisor in the Clinton Administration.
I get a kick out of all the businesses who do "back-to-school" sales (which usually begin in earnest about mid July, several days before the launch of the retail Christmas season) some of which carry merchandise which has absolutely nothing to do with school supplies:
"It's 'Sludge-Me-Not' Sam's back-to-school sale, with sweet-smelling savings on all septic tanks!"
"Why spend hard-earned cash on property taxes, when you can pay for education the black jack way? Slide on in to Sucker Hill Casino's "Slots-For-School" special today!"
"Popping pills like a rock-n-roll groupie to deal with back pain? Stop tripping and get kicking, with special deals all this week on spinal adjustments in Chiropractic Ken's 'Backs'-For-School Sale!"
I'm surprised we don't see more aggie "back-to-school" tie-ins:
"Feeling guilty about poor Johnny sitting at his desk all day working on story problems, only to come home after school to do chores with the old Oliver that should have been mercy-killed by Dr. Kervorkian years ago, and now only runs with a pull-start accompanied by a Southern Baptist revival? Then come to Ballast Bob's "Back-To-School" Sale, with all tractors 15% off!"
Keep in mind as you send your children to school that it has its own caste system. In high school, it is based primarily on Nike shoes, which most banks now finance in easy monthly installments. In elementary school, it is based on crayons. Upper class: box of 250 crayons with built-in crayon sharpener and colors such as "wavy ocean teal" and "silhouette smoky black." Middle Class: box of 64, no sharpener. No fancy names, but three shades of red. Lower Class: box of eight crayons the size of bridge spikes. Primary colors only. Most moms (including mine) never understood why a box of 250 crayons are necessary when the box of bridge spikes would not only last longer, at least two to three grades, but cost less as the "Blue Light Back-To-School Special," freeing up money to buy socks. The bridge spikes did come in handy though, because they wouldn't break when you used them to whack the kid with the box of 250 crayons, when he made fun of your eight.
There is exciting news from the world of crayons this school year: soy crayons. This is true: for the first time in a century, a major breakthrough has been made in crayon making, with the marketing of crayons made from soybean oil, rather than petroleum-based paraffin wax.
One bushel of soybeans will make 2,112 crayons, according to Scott Singlestad, chair of the Minnesota Soybean Council's domestic marketing committee. "The crayons are completely natural, environmentally safe, non-toxic, and completely biodegradable," says Singlestad.
Further, four out of five pre-schoolers surveyed said they preferred the chewy texture of the new soy crayon, and appreciated its nutty, grainy flavor (Apparently, the fifth kid's dad works for Exxon).
As a parent, I feel good about the new soy crayon, as I have a one-year-old who, since he now eats sand, foam from Nerf footballs, and pretty much any small debris that falls into his path, is destined to be a crayon eater, and I feel more at ease having him partake in the natural goodness of soy crayons, rather than "petroleum-based paraffin wax."
On the flip side, I also have a toddler who eats nothing but bologna and Pop Tarts, so perhaps soy crayons will offer the little fuss-budget an alternative form of substance. "Dear Maker of The New Soy Crayons: Thank you for saving the life of my child. Your product is like manna from heaven, as finally, he eats. However, the child continues to refuse vegetables. So in your next batch of soy crayons, would it be too much to add carrot and broccoli bits?"n
The ramblings in this column are that of the author, and should not be misconstrued as the opinion of this publication, the Minnesota Association of Wheat Growers, Southern Baptists, or the cast of "Friends." Women who wear cowboy hats, executives of Exxon (by the way, what did you guys ever do with that drunk who plowed one of your tankers into a glacier?) and vision-impaired, mail box-maiming bus drivers who take offense to this column are invited to submit written comments to: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC, 20500. SPECIAL SUPPLEMENTAL NOTE FROM CLINTON POLICY ADVISOR TO WOMEN WEARING COWBOY HATS: please include picture.