November 1997
Prairie Ramblings
by Tracy Sayler
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Prairie Grains is the
official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain
Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat,
Inc., and the
Minnesota Barley
Growers Association.
I'm talking about the package shipping strike, of course, not the "Ultra Presidential Shampoo," the featured selection at Al Gore's Campaign Car Wash, just off the west wing of the White House. For $500,000, you get your limo washed, waxed, and vacuumed by the Veep himself (Tipper on Tuesdays and Thursdays). Contribute before the New Hampshire Primary, and get a free Eleanor Roosevelt Air Freshener!
But although our buddies in brown are back bussing boxes, another strike looms, as we read from the Arctic Circle's Glacier Gazette (motto: "Delivering all the news that's fit to print, as long as we don't freeze to death"):
NORTHPOLE-Negotiations broke off between union representatives of Elves United and management of SANTA Corp. yesterday, threatening the cancellation of Christmas.
Santa Claus, president and CEO of SANTA Corp., and his executive lawyers walked out on talks held with Elves United, calling the settlement terms offered by union officials "ridiculous and unacceptable." The Union says workers will strike until demands are met.
Elves United objectives, according to Union Spokeself Chippy Hoffa, include profit sharing, a pension plan for all union workers, replacement of production building elevator music from Christmas carols to hip hop, miniature marshmallows at hot chocolate breaks, and Pamela Anderson posters placed above urinals in all production building restrooms for employee morale.
"These are the 90s, man," says Snippy Wahlberg, foreman of the space-age and futuristic toys department. "We deserve it. Our work is the backbone of his whole operation, and that crusty old (expletive) owes us."
Production at SANTA Corp. is now at a standstill, with union members picketing outside the manufacturing compound. Management remains firm, however, and Claus says union demands will not be met. "I clothe them, I feed them, what more do those ungrateful little peons want?"
Claus goes on to say that "miniature marshmallows and girly posters cost money, and that's dollars out of my pocket. I'm running a business, not a resort."
Incidents of violence have already been reported. Claus' Mercedes was pushed on its side last week, but the driver and "newest" Mrs. Claus, Ivana Trump, was not hurt. Mass toy burnings have occurred throughout the strike, and it has been confirmed that some of the toys expected to be most popular this holiday season-Cletus the Closet Monster, Sea-Monkeys, Playroom Potting Soil, and the Marv Albert action figure doll with kung-fu dental grip-have been torched by the elves.
Most recently, unidentified elves taunted Claus at home, hurling deer sausage at the Claus mansion windows. North Pole Crime Stoppers are investigating the incident.
Despite the Elves United walkout, SANTA Corp. says it hopes to avoid a halt to the holiday season by bringing in substitute employees. Keebler elves should arrive shortly, said a company spokesman. n
A Seedy Birth Announcement
O.K., we're all a little lightheaded here for exceeding the USDA recommended daily allowance for goofiness, so let's get back to reality. I'd like to share with you the birth announcement for my little nephew, which came in the mail last summer on a simulated certified seed tag. "Sayler Seed Company" and the following specifications: Parent Seed: Troy & Tanja. Variety: Ryan Allen. Lot: 413 2nd St E, West Fargo, ND 58078. Origin: Dakota Hospital, Fargo, ND. Purity: 100% sweet little boy. Noxious weed: Only at night when crying. Germination: 100%. Tested: July 17, 1997, 11:52 pm. Net Weight: 6 lb., 9 oz., 20" long.
Ryan's dad works for Interstate Seed Company.n
Farming: A Source of Dark Humor
Comedy writer Melvin Helitzer says that humor is a powerful pesticide intended to help eradicate many of the hostile feelings in our daily life; it's the use of mental agility to combat that which threatens to defeat us most often. Farming challenges such as weather and commodity prices will never cease to generate dark humor, such as the cartoon of two poverty-stricken Africans sitting in the middle of a barren desert, one saying to the other, "Here's a picture of that farmer in the U.S. I'm sponsoring." Or this one from Rick Vallery of SD Wheat Inc: Two farmers were talking shortly after both had negotiated a sizable operating loan for themselves. "If conditions don't improve soon," quipped one, "I'll have to rob a bank." "If conditions don't improve soon," said the other, "Then I just did."n
Christmas Gifts for Better Marketing Savvy
The Practical Grain Encyclopedia: Marketing terms, crop maps, exchange listings, and more. Cost is $39.95. Make check payable to Practical Grain Encyclopedia and mail to: Agweek Magazine, c/o Janet Severson, 303 2nd Ave North, Grand Forks, ND 58206.
Wheat Marketing Encyclopedia: All the fundamental wheat market info from the past 25 years, in graph or table form. By William Tierney, Jr., Kansas State University grain marketing specialist. Cost is $125. Call 800-753-0302 to order.
A Beginner's Guide to Commodity Marketing: The most basic of marketing books for the true beginner. Written by Rosemary Hartter, a farm wife turned marketing expert known for her market educational programs directed at women. Cost is $10, including shipping and handling. Write to H&H Marketing, 1216 Adams Rd., Eureka, IL 61530 or call 309/467-3682.
How to Farm for Profit: A primer on farm business analysis, particularly enterprise (profit center) analysis, to determine exact break-even costs and design a marketing plan. Written by Donald Fedie, president of Agri Control Company Inc., Sioux City, IA. Cost is $19.95, available through Iowa State University Press, 2121 S. State Avenue, Ames, IA 50014-8300, or call 800-862-6657 to order.
Marketing Grain and Livestock: Explains agri-marketing, from basic principles to sophisticated analysis. Contents include the mind-set for marketing, futures, hedging options, cash marketing, advanced pricing, fundamental and tech price analysis. By Gary F. Stasko, marketing executive and instructor. Cost is $39.95, also through ISU Press, contact information above.
Marketing newsletters: Some to consider: Progressive Ag, bi-monthly, $100 per year, 800-450-1404; AgriMark's Market Letter, weekly, $200 per year, 701/282-8123; Pro Farmer, weekly, $114 per year, 800-635-3936. n