June 1997
Prairie Ramblings
by Tracy Sayler
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Prairie Grains is the
official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain
Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat,
Inc., and the
Minnesota Barley
Growers Association.
If the Earth Channel Went Prime Time
You may have heard that farm broadcaster Orion Samuelson, who will be the keynote speaker at a farm meeting near you tomorrow, and Max Armstrong, who, contrary to what you may have read in the tabloids, is NOT the second cousin to all those weird hypnotists who entertain at nightclubs and casinos, but does license his name for use on the TV show, "American Gladiators," are the new anchors of the Earth Channel.
EC, which in its acronymic form should not be confused with those farm-subsidizing cheats across the Atlantic, or aliens who wish to phone home, is the first television channel of its kind devoted exclusively to the rural crowd. Programming began last March on a direct broadcast satellite (DBS) television service, called DIRECTV.
You may have heard the hype about EC but have not yet seen it, because: A) You're waiting for the dish systems to drop in price; B) You're still too choked up about the Donald Trump-Marla Maples split to care about anything else; or C) You're waiting to get one for Christmas. I talked to one of your family members the other day, however, and they say your 1997 Christmas gift is already picked out: It's a Chia Clapper. Clap once, and green plant sprouts magically appear from a pottery figurine shaped like a kitty, a puppy, or Marlon Brando. (I don't want to ruin the surprise of which one you got. But I will hint that had you received this present last Christmas, you coulda been a contenduh.)
Thus, in lieu of watching the two and a half channels (PBS and a few of the main networks, when the wind blows right) of free TV that your farm-home antenna picks up now, and catching Uncle Orion's "U.S. Farm Report" merely by happenstance, I urge you to run, not walk, to your local Satellite Dishes-R-Us Store and buy a system, so as not to miss EC's new fall prime-time schedule.
That's right. Although programming now only runs until dusk, EC is following the lead of other television networks and has unveiled several exciting new additions to its new "Must See EC" fall schedule:
MONDAYS: Scientists examine wheat fields the world over in search of an answer to all those mysterious crop circles, in "Straw Trek." Pamela Sue Anderson trades the stress of the beach bikini lifeguarding business for alfalfa fields and country tranquility, in "Haywatch."
TUESDAYS: Greg, Peter, Bobby, Marcia, Jan, and Cindy learn that life has its share of bulls, bears, and margin calls, when dad Mike takes a job as a grain market speculator in "The Trady Bunch." You loved them in "Grumpy Old Men," now Walter Matteau and Jack Lemmon star as farmers who reminisce about the 1970s grain price boom, in "The Wonder Years."
WEDNESDAY: Tony Danza stars as a farmer ("recently separated" of course, like all his characters) who battles with his rebellious teenage daughter over their barn cat population, in "Eight is Enough." Paul, a documentary filmmaker, tracks the lonely rural life of Montana ranchers Larry, Daryl, and Daryl, in "Mad About Ewes."
THURSDAY: Small screen newcomer Lance Gaebe plays a farmer who struggles with the hard decisions of replacing aging farm machinery, in "Wheel of Fortune." Also, supermarket produce manager Butch McFella (played by KD Lang) comes out of the closet and announces that she prefers vegetables to men, in the new zany sitcom, "Melon."
FRIDAY: Johnny marries a girl whose dad has 2,000 acres of sugar beet stock in "Highway to Heaven." Meanwhile, Harry struggles to decide what to do with his expiring CRP land, in "Third Rock from the Sun."
SATURDAY: Kids! There's animated, wacky cartoon fun abound, as EC broadcasts congressional floor speeches gleaned from C-Span. Later in the afternoon, don't miss "This Old Farm" starring Ole and Sven, who will explore handy farm hints such as "1,001 farm maintenance uses for twine and barbed wire," and "Don't drink out of that jug! It might be anti-freeze!" as well as "Getting rid of unsightly old farm machinery: Growing more trees in your shelterbelt."
SUNDAYS: Case IH enthusiasts take on John Deere fanatics in the red versus green version of "Crossfire." Afterward, members of the media who do slanted stories on ag, or otherwise are annoying, will be featured on the Sunday morning program, "Beat the Press." First up, from the otherwise annoying category: Sam Don-aldson. Uncle Orion concludes "Must See EC" on Sunday with, of course, "Country Church Salute of the Week."
True story
After the disaster in Grand Forks, ND and East Grand Forks, MN, Anheuser Busch donated carbonated water in beer-sized cans, which came to be known as "Floodweiser."