Prairie Grains April 1998 Prairie Ramblings

Issue 13
April 1998

Prairie Ramblings

by Tracy Sayler

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Prairie Grains is the
official publication of
the Minnesota
Association of
Wheat Growers,
North Dakota Grain
Growers Association,
South Dakota Wheat,
Inc., and the
Minnesota Barley
Growers Association.

You probably thought you've heard everything there is to know about the Oprah vs. Texas cattlemen trial, even though Channel Earth didn't get a chance to run its first made-for-TV movie on the subject before it went belly up, "Hot Babes and Sirloin Slander Aboard the Titanic." Movie critics point out, and you may also have noticed, that the producers shamelessly jazzed the title to boost ratings.
At any rate, the blockbuster starred Charleton Heston as Luke Murdock, the tough-talking Texas cattleman (Luke Murdock, in fact, has been the name of all tough-talking cowboys who have ever swaggered onto the silver screen. Can you ever recall a Wally?) Also starring: Pamela Anderson as Oprah, Bucky the Mad Cow as itself, and several strains of last winter's flu virus as the lawyers.
But since this (brace your pupils, bad pun alert) moo-ving epic won't be aired due to the unfortunate demise of the venturesome farm network, I've taken it upon myself as the Pulitzer-prize winning investigative journalist that I'm not to bring you actual testimony from the closing arguments of this historic case, obtained by bribing the Amarillo court recorder with a steak dinner and a top-notch recipe for Beef Wellington.
JUDGE: This court has been in session for over 40 days, and I've run out of clean underwear. Counselors, present your closing arguments.
1st LAWYER: Your honor, these are not unsubstantiated tales played before the nation of animalism, dangerous flesh, and errs of the tongue. This is about one woman's search for justice. This is about the naked truth. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I urge you to heed this investigation involving Monica Lewinsky!
JUDGE: Ah, Mr. Starr, I think you have the wrong courtroom; the Clinton hearing is down the hall to your left.
1st LAWYER: Oops. Sorry.
JUDGE: Before we proceed, allow me to say for purposes of melodrama that one more outburst like that, and I'll clear this courtroom! Now counselor, present your closing statement on behalf of the defendant.
2nd LAWYER: Your honor, my client is guilty of nothing more than practicing the First Amendment, the basic American right of freedom of speech. From neo-nazis to communists, from cross-dressers to Meryl Streep, love'em or leave'em, we all have this same basic right. Coincidentally, this brings me to my last point: Don't miss the seventh annual "Neo-Nazis, Communists, Cross-Dressers and Meryl Streep Extravaganza," on the next Oprah Winfrey Show!
JUDGE: I'll be sure to program my VCR. Prosecutor, present your closing arguments.
3rd LAWYER: Your honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the reckless and disparaging comments of the defendant have resulted in a loss to my clients that exceeds $3 million clams (bzzzaap) Ouch! What the heck was that!
JUDGE: Oh, I forget to mention that this court has been asked to experiment the new patent-pending Fruit N' Veggie Libelizer, which emits an electric shock at the first hint of libel or slander of any ag commodity.
3rd LAWYER: That's nuts! (bzzzaap) Ouch! Now quit horsing around (bzzzaap) Ow! Hey! You turkeys (bzzzaap) are really getting my goat (bzzzaap). All right already! At this time I have no further comments, your honor.
JUDGE: We shall recess to allow the jury to deliberate.
OPRAH: And now, a word from our sponsor…
COMMERCIAL PITCH MAN: Come on down to the Pizza Planet for our brand new feature, Mad Cow Pizza! A delicious hamburger pizza with double cheese and special spices, at delirious prices! Eat in or have it delivered, and get a large for medium charge by saying: "How now, mad cow!" (This is true: an Amarillo, TX restaurant really did serve "mad cow pizza.")
JUDGE: This court is now back in session. Foreman of the jury, do you have a verdict?
FOREMAN: We do, your honor. Not guilty, by reason of irradiation.
COURT AUDIENCE: You go girl!
JUDGE: This case is closed, and I'm hungry. Anyone for a burger?

As Long As We're
Making Fun of Lawyers…
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker, and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. n

Copyright Prairie
Grains Magazine
April 1998

Issue 13 April 1998	Prairie Ramblings by Tracy Sayler

Library Home E-Mail Back Prairie Grains is the official publication of the Minnesota Association of Wheat Growers, North Dakota Grain Growers Association, South Dakota Wheat, Inc., and the Minnesota Barley Growers Association.	You probably thought you've heard everything there is to know about the Oprah vs. Texas cattlemen trial, even though Channel Earth didn't get a chance to run its first made-for-TV movie on the subject before it went belly up, "Hot Babes and Sirloin Slander Aboard the Titanic." Movie critics point out, and you may also have noticed, that the producers shamelessly jazzed the title to boost ratings. At any rate, the blockbuster starred Charleton Heston as Luke Murdock, the tough-talking Texas cattleman (Luke Murdock, in fact, has been the name of all tough-talking cowboys who have ever swaggered onto the silver screen. Can you ever recall a Wally?) Also starring: Pamela Anderson as Oprah, Bucky the Mad Cow as itself, and several strains of last winter's flu virus as the lawyers. But since this (brace your pupils, bad pun alert) moo-ving epic won't be aired due to the unfortunate demise of the venturesome farm network, I've taken it upon myself as the Pulitzer-prize winning investigative journalist that I'm not to bring you actual testimony from the closing arguments of this historic case, obtained by bribing the Amarillo court recorder with a steak dinner and a top-notch recipe for Beef Wellington. JUDGE: This court has been in session for over 40 days, and I've run out of clean underwear. Counselors, present your closing arguments. 1st LAWYER: Your honor, these are not unsubstantiated tales played before the nation of animalism, dangerous flesh, and errs of the tongue. This is about one woman's search for justice. This is about the naked truth. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I urge you to heed this investigation involving Monica Lewinsky! JUDGE: Ah, Mr. Starr, I think you have the wrong courtroom; the Clinton hearing is down the hall to your left. 1st LAWYER: Oops. Sorry. JUDGE: Before we proceed, allow me to say for purposes of melodrama that one more outburst like that, and I'll clear this courtroom! Now counselor, present your closing statement on behalf of the defendant. 2nd LAWYER: Your honor, my client is guilty of nothing more than practicing the First Amendment, the basic American right of freedom of speech. From neo-nazis to communists, from cross-dressers to Meryl Streep, love'em or leave'em, we all have this same basic right. Coincidentally, this brings me to my last point: Don't miss the seventh annual "Neo-Nazis, Communists, Cross-Dressers and Meryl Streep Extravaganza," on the next Oprah Winfrey Show! JUDGE: I'll be sure to program my VCR. Prosecutor, present your closing arguments. 3rd LAWYER: Your honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the reckless and disparaging comments of the defendant have resulted in a loss to my clients that exceeds $3 million clams (bzzzaap) Ouch! What the heck was that! JUDGE: Oh, I forget to mention that this court has been asked to experiment the new patent-pending Fruit N' Veggie Libelizer, which emits an electric shock at the first hint of libel or slander of any ag commodity. 3rd LAWYER: That's nuts! (bzzzaap) Ouch! Now quit horsing around (bzzzaap) Ow! Hey! You turkeys (bzzzaap) are really getting my goat (bzzzaap). All right already! At this time I have no further comments, your honor. JUDGE: We shall recess to allow the jury to deliberate. OPRAH: And now, a word from our sponsor… COMMERCIAL PITCH MAN: Come on down to the Pizza Planet for our brand new feature, Mad Cow Pizza! A delicious hamburger pizza with double cheese and special spices, at delirious prices! Eat in or have it delivered, and get a large for medium charge by saying: "How now, mad cow!" (This is true: an Amarillo, TX restaurant really did serve "mad cow pizza.") JUDGE: This court is now back in session. Foreman of the jury, do you have a verdict? FOREMAN: We do, your honor. Not guilty, by reason of irradiation. COURT AUDIENCE: You go girl! JUDGE: This case is closed, and I'm hungry. Anyone for a burger? As Long As We're Making Fun of Lawyers… What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker, and the other's just a fish. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. n
Copyright Prairie Grains Magazine April 1998

Prairie Ramblings

Copyright Prairie Grains Magazine April 1998

Copyright Prairie
Grains Magazine
April 1998